I-have-a-girlfriend-I-used-to-be-straight-but-I’m-not-now-but-I-don’t-fancy-you. Chatty friend has been enthralled by mine and Foreign Woman’s hook-up from the start and has asked many, many questions. Last Thursday I arranged a social with her:

“Hey lovely. Yes was thinking cooly pub around 8. Let me know? X”Weirdly, there was no response.  Usually Chatty Friend is a quick responder, Chatty texty friend I suppose.

10mins. 20min. 30mins.

Right. O.K that’s it. I’m panicking. She hasn’t replied because obviously SHE THINKS I FANCY HER. Quick check – I addressed her as ‘lovely’ and gave her a kiss. Shit, I was accidentally flirting and now that she knows I can find another woman’s vagina a turn on, she will automatically assume I want to lick hers. How do I navigate this one?! I need an awkward yet twee and oh so casual, secondary text to ease the situation:

Me: Hellloooo (extended vowels – always a clear signifier of friendship).Just over thinking – Please read ‘lovely’ as you would have done two months ago.  It’s still the friendly term it always was!:) Yes. The smiley face will save the day and encapsulate the sentiment completely. Brilliant. Disaster averted.

The reply comes later, a quick, inexplicable, annoyingly vague ‘O.K’.

Obviously when we met she laughed in my face, asked lots of questions and chatted. Mountain and molehill.

But this has not been an isolated event.  There have been several times both with new and old friends, when I just want a big shiny badge that says:

Females! I most likely don’t fancy you. (I am still more likely to fancy your quirky boyfriend).